kabuki: (Default)
... but life was complicated, to put it into nice words. No yellow chrysanthemes for certain people, although I feel like sending some. But I couldn't bare the consequences. Cleaning up afterward is always such a mess. I love my sense for sarcasm - pure self-defense. And this is not the right place to bitch about the fact that it's my ex-boyfriend who married last weekend (the first in my circle of "friends" who's married btw)

And I'm getting back on track asap. I figured that I'll never get the damn excuse for that certain night. Daniel, if you think about it ... I'm still waiting for that fucking excuse for that certain moment. When you promised my mom to take care of me. The minutes after I tried to commit suicide. After you made me throw up.
The moments, when I lie on the bed my parents made us as present when we moved into the apartment. The bed you still have, the bed you fuck her on.
You told my mom, that you would take care of me. My mom, who was close to jumping into her car, driving to M√ľnster that certain night.  You said, you would be there for a woman who completely freaked out. Who was insane at this certain point.
You weren't. You spent your time talking to Manu. Points for you.
The only chance I had to tell you how pissed I was about this, was at your b-day. Bad timing. Not the right time to ask for an excuse.
Not, when all your friends were there. Not when you could tell me, how silly I behave when I'm drunk. Yeah, thanks ... you know how to push my Buttons. You always knew.
It's 2 years ago that we split up ... and you still know it. And for some reason it still hurts. Not envy. I really thought about it... it's not envy. It's the damn excuse I'm waiting for. And what I'll never get. That's what pisses me off.
All I want to hear is a 'Sorry' for this fucked up night.
And don't dare to mention that it was the first time ever that I raised my hand. That I knocked down your damn glasses, when my hand met your face.
I did.
And yes - at this certain moment it felt oh so good.

And this is fucked up open therapy. There are always two sides of the story. And mine must not be the correct one. I've messed up tons of stuff. And for sure, I'm not the innocent victim in this story ... all I want is an fucking excuse for this certain night. An excuse for the fact that he promised my mom to take care of me and he didn't.
He promised that to my mother!!!
One of the reasons why he should never ever meet my dad again.

I would love to return to senseless stuff - fanfiction, drawings, icons etc

But a) I'm kind of drunk -half a bottle of bordaux takes its due
and b) I needed to type it down
kabuki: (jayneass)
At one point, one should think it's enough shit for a lifetime ...
Just, when I thought that finally everything would come into order and I could enjoy this summer, my mom had to go to the hospital. Her leg is really, really bad and I'm kind of freaking about it.
So if anybody asks - no, I'm not fine at the moment.
And if that wouldn't be enough I had last week a typist's neuritis. The name is so appropriate. But with my hand hurting like hell, I had some time, to catch up with Animes.
Did I mention I'm in love with Junichi Suwabe? Got hooked to his voice, when I watched Last Order for the first time.
So, if there's any man out there, who has a voice like him and the looks of Tseng - just check my profile and contact me asap...
MyAnimeList comes in pretty handy to find some Stuff of Suwabe.
And so I ended up with quite a nice list.
And a new favorite anime. Can be that I'm in a cheesy mood at the moment, but I really got into NANA. Not the typical kind of Anime I normally watch.
But I wasn't absolutely unproductive the last days and after my hand got better I finished a quick image in Remembrance of one of the best Animes ever. And PenPen rocks.

The other image I finally finished is an illustration of one of my favorite Shadowrun NPC's. Akira Shotozumi's little sister - a spoiled brat like he is.
Virtual Bunny
kabuki: (EmoKing)
Ah, and this seems to be another rant about fandom. Well, me is into Yaoi ... I have no problem at all to say so. I love the smut. Mostly because I'm into pretty boys. Hey, I'm 29 and I would lie if I said that me and my hand are enough all the time.
Anyways, I never caught myself bitching about any het-pairings in the fandoms I'm into. I admit officially here, that I read some Yuffentine-stuff. And even well written Clotif is nice time by time. Never slashed Firefly or Babylon 5, also never saw any slash potential within X-men (and hell, I love X-men), Star Wars is also out of bounds for me.
But I'm talking about fragging personal preferences here.
That doesn't mean I have to call anybody a retard who's into Aerith for example. Some of my best friends are so into Cloud/Aerith and we all accept that we have certain opinions about certain pairings ...

... I was going to write a really long rant, but that will not change the situation.
Being stuck with 14 year olds in a fandom is just depressing.
I want  a decent yaoi-rpg ... sorry for the whining

And since I can only whine and drank too much coffee and can sleep in ... eh ... today... I can work on pimp!Tseng.
Blame [livejournal.com profile] vulpes_demonica for that wip title ^^

And first wip is behind the cut )


kabuki: (Default)

October 2010

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